Rooting for Û15 billion between the cushions on the couch

Fifteen billion. Fifteen frigging billion. Where the hell are we supposed to find that, between the couch cushions? We're already putting lives at risk, we've mortgaged the next decade, our banks are owed billions they'll never recover. How can we spare that kind of money?  

The blunt answer is we cannot. It's a pious fiction, intended not so much for domestic as international consumption. We're beholden now to the bond market for the cash we need just to keep things running, so they're the real audience for everything the government says. We need to get that good review in Standard & Poor's, the Michelin Guide of money. You have to remember here that the bond market is a market – what's more, it's a seller's market right now.

There are a hell of a lot of countries desperate for loans and we're competing with them for the limited cash available. So essentially a declaration like this is advertising, a way to say "Look, we're a good bet! See how unspeakably ruthless we can be to our own people!" Rival money-buyers like Britain say they'll make cuts of £81 billion, we double that. It's competitive cruelty.

Yes, in per capita terms we're losing twice as much as UK citizens are. And that's in this week alone – remember that Britain held back on bad news because of the election; we'd already cut to the bone. So don't let anyone (in FF) tell you that we're just like any other country in this world recession.

Will it be enough to convince the markets though? I doubt it; understandably government promises have little impact. What's needed here is real, spectacular evidence like shutting down institutions of education and health. Nothing says "sound financial investment" like bodies on the streets. That way investors know that government is not squandering money on luxuries like people but is concentrating on the main business: being a cash cow for the money-owners of this world. So the sooner we have deaths the better, frankly. If anyone feels like volunteering – and I think many must these days – that would be very handy.

Or we could try out Senator Donie "It's not easy on €65,000" Cassidy's idea. What he wants RTÉ to do is talk things up, stop dwelling on the negative side of the fact that greed and mismanagement have cost us another €15 billion. As there clearly is no actual positive side to this, what he obviously means is that we should invent one. Tell the world that tractor production is rising, that the five-year plan is bearing fruits for all the people and all is well in the best-run of all possible countries, that sort of thing. Oppression, I think it's called. God bless him for trying, but somehow I doubt it'll fool global investors.

I have a third idea. It may sound a little bit crazy, but if you think about it I believe you'll see that it just might work. If we really want to convince international markets that the economy is being run in a sensible and competent way, shouldn't we get rid of the incompetent idiots who are running it?