Performing pandas fail to make most of their chances

Date Published: 11-Apr-2012

Occasionally there are still moments which bring you right back to the embarrassment of that first ever teenage chat about the birds and the bees – and last week’s blow by blow account, so to speak, of the efforts of Edinburgh Zoo’s giant pandas to produce a baby panda certainly had the squirm factor by the spade load.

As it turned out what it didn’t have was a sufficient amount of another word that sort of sounds like squirm, because the best efforts of Yang Guang and Tian Tian to leave a lasting legacy came up, well, short.

For those who missed all the excitement and embarrassment – and indeed the build-up – to this tryst, these two pandas are on a ten year loan from China for the last four months and in case you’re thinking about renting your own panda you might need to know that this costs around $1 million a year.

So obviously then the sooner you can grow your own the better – but the female panda is fertile for only two or three days each year, usually at some time between March and May.

So there was daily testing of Tian Tian's hormone levels and regular reports about her mate's yen for bamboo before Edinburgh Zoo opened the love tunnel for Britain's only pair of giant pandas.

No detail was left unreported – although the zoo did turn off the panda cam and covered the glass on the viewing gallery for the duration – but the loving couple were allowed five liaisons during the day, each lasting five minutes. By the end of that first day, their meetings had been physical and playful; they coupled more than once, but failed to reach the summit.

And we’re not talking about two bears in the first flush of romance either because Tain Tain has previously given birth to twins and Yang Guang is a daddy on the front too.

But in the end, the zoo confirmed the bad news in a press release headlined simply ‘close but no cigar’ but so far management is resisting proposals to use artificial insemination to ensure a pregnancy, for this year at least.

Still, the upside is that the couple now has eleven months and three weeks to grow to understand each other better through the grille that separates them, and maybe if they are allowed to chat intermittently over bamboo shoots, they’ll be better primed for a successful lift-off in twelve months time.

Or perhaps time will make no difference and the Scots will continue to trousers up a million dollars a year for an underperforming or incompatible panda who is proving to be nothing more than a drain of the state.

In fairness, it’s a lot of pressure to be looking through a cage at your potential partner for 362 days a year and then be pressurised to perform to Olympian levels during a very short spell with the eyes of the world on your actions.

That could lead to a loss of libido – or then again maybe it’s the old problem. Even pandas like Tian Tian like a little romancing and Yang Guang seems more of an “up and at ‘em” kind of guy. Maybe Tian Tian would appreciate a little less action and a little more panda-ing. 

For more, read this week's Connacht Tribune.