Denise McNamara: 'Plan your funeral your own way'
The Funeral Planner details five common mistakes to avoid if having a wake at home.
I sat down the other night and watched Glen Hansard's funeral and I can't tell you how many tears I shed for a man I didn't know and had only seen play in the Big Top twice.
Maybe it was because it was raw after daddy's death in June, but every element of his service in St Patrick's Cathedral had me gripped.
His older brother Gary sang a powerful song penned by their uncle called 'I can See God'. 'Old Note' by Lisa O'Neill – the first song she penned in a flat Glen had offered to her to help her along her songwriting journey - was spectacular. 'Sing All Our Cares Away' by Damien Dempsey was the perfect choice from a fellow busker for an astonishing musician taken away all too early in a motorbike crash at just 56.
His wife, Finnish poet Maire Saaritsa, read out a poem she had penned for him as thanks for the songs he wrote about her. Bono played a voice note from Patti Smith, who had only performed in Galway weeks before. She sang a self-penned lullaby: “It was a beautiful day, across the valley, he came my way, a book in his hand and a melody.”
Pearl Jam's Eddie Vedder sang Glen's tune, 'The Song of Good Hope' with Markéta Irglová, whose song 'Falling Slowly' won the pair an Oscar for best original song in the movie Once, a self-declared pinnacle of his career, made by another former Frames musician John Carney.
The haunting Port na bPúcaí performed by Colm Mac Con Iomaire, Séamus Ong and Liam Ó Maonlaí, stopped everyone in their tracks. The final farewell tune, 'Forever Young' by Bob Dylan, also by the Hot House Flowers frontman, was nothing short of incredible.
When we had to prepare our dad's funeral I can say it was the first time I've truly felt like an adult. The church music was handled by our lovely local choir, where our mam and us three girls had once sang.
His teenage grandchildren all got involved, with readings, Prayers of the Faithful, reflections and songs. Perhaps the choice of one of his favourites, 'Hallelujah' by Leonard Cohen, wasn't the most appropriate in hindsight – hopefully the line about tying someone to a kitchen chair went over most people's heads; at least she didn't get to the verse about 'remember when I moved in you and every breath we drew was Hallelujah'.
At the graveside we got our former amazing local music teacher to play a rendition of 'Grace', another of dad's pet tunes, on the violin. But everything else was very run of the mill, the way he would have wanted it. He hated that practice of bringing up symbols to represent a person's life. He also hated eulogies, but I ignored him on that one and had some of his oldest friends in floods of tears while simultaneously bellylaughing.
We had a brilliant local undertaker who took care of all the arrangements, including the death notices and contacting the choir. But there's all the little things you have to look after – and have a budget for, especially if you don't have access to money after a sudden death. You don't have any change out of €10,000 for even the most modest funeral, so it's something to consider if doing a bit of pre-planning for our own farewells.
We had a wake in the house, the removal in the funeral home, service in the church and catered food in the local pub – each part of that needs some thinking on. And we were not always on the same page for all of it.
So why not jot it down beforehand, advises Zoë Freyne, whose business is called The Funeral Planner.
“Even the closest families can disagree when emotions are high. One person might want a traditional ceremony; another, something more modern. Leaving a few wishes – even if you write, “This is what I’d like, but please do what feels right” – can ease tension and offer gentle guidance at a difficult time.
“You might simply want to state whether you'd prefer to be buried or cremated, if you’d like a religious or non-religious ceremony, or if there’s a particular piece of music or poem that means something to you. Want your guests to wear bright colours or play your favourite feel-good anthem? Pop it on the list,” she states. Log onto thefuneralplanner.ie.
The Funeral Planner details five common mistakes to avoid if having a wake at home.
Trying to Do It All Yourself - You need space to grieve, not to stress about chairs, catering, and whether the kettle’s boiled. Accept help from neighbours and friends.
Misjudging the Space - count likely visitors, if the crowd is mostly older, make sure there’s enough seating. If there’s a casket, it should be placed at a location that gives guests the option to pay their respects or not and avoiding bottlenecks.
Under- or Over-Catering - Wakes are long, emotional days. Guests will need something, but the family often forgets to eat at all. Provide simple food for visitors but also plan a proper meal for the immediate family that can be heated once the house is quiet.
Letting the Atmosphere Go Unshaped - The best wakes strike a balance; respectful, but not somber. Create warmth with candles, photos or flowers.
Skipping the Practical Bits - Bins, toilet roll, signage, pets underfoot, coat racks are all things to consider. Do a checklist. Don’t forget to state a finish time so you can start winding down when you need to.