Forget Lisbon Ð we should have voted against Brussels over sprouts

Date Published: {J}

DECLAN Ganley should have used the Brussels sprouts protocol if he really wanted to swing the Lisbon II Referendum vote in his direction – because this traditional Christmas ‘vegetable’ is enough to give the European capital a very bad name...not to mention an even worse smell.

Whoever first foisted the infernal small, smelly wannabe cabbage onto human beings isn’t recorded by history – presumably due to his or her family’s perpetual shame – but at the end of the day, the Belgian city has to take the blame.

Brussels sprouts as we now know them were grown possibly as early as the thirteenth century in what we now know as Belgium. The first written reference dates to 1587, and like a virus their ‘popularity’ spread through Northern Europe and onto these shores.

Perhaps the idea of putting them beside the turkey and ham on Christmas Day is to remind us that there is suffering in the world and there’s no reason we shouldn’t share a little of the pain.

The smell off them, alone, makes you automatically search out which of the small children – or indeed very old people – in the room has something to report in their nappy.

The experts say this smell is frequently caused by overcooking, but anything that smells of sulphur irrespective of its duration in the boiling pot has to be suspect to begin with.

I must admit that I’m not a paid up member of the vegetable fan club to begin with – personally I’d have broccoli and turnips put on the proscribed list for a start as well – but Brussels sprouts deserve particularly close attention.

Why is it that they rarely make an appearance on the dinner plate at any other time of the year? Surely they’d be worth a run in Lent on the basis that children who’d eat them then wouldn’t have to give up sweets or chocolate?

Last weekend, Esther Rantzen – a woman with too much time on her hands since the demise of That’s Life – decided to attempt a world record for eating Brussels sprouts in an effort to prove the ultimate champion of the underdog.

It’s no coincidence that Esther is currently seeking a Westminster seat and at the very least this diet of sprouts should ensure she can comfortably undertake a massive canvass, secure in the knowledge that after a feed of green golf balls, she’ll have no need for a toilet break.

The previous world record was thought to be 26 Brussels sprouts eaten in one minute, but Esther has the advantage of a particularly large mouth.

"Brussels sprouts have for too long been despised and neglected," she explained. "I have long championed the underdog and I'm very pleased to have been asked to champion the underdog vegetable.”

The record attempt took place last Saturday to raise money for the children's ward at the Luton and Dunstable Hospital, which is undoubtedly a most worthy cause – but when Esther gets the dentist’s bill for sprouts stuck in her teeth, there won’t be much left for the kids.In the meantime, the rest of us will spend this weekend eating sprouts – or hiding them in our pockets – for no monetary reward at all. It’s enough to make you turn green.

For more read page 11 of this week's Connacht Tribune.