How shoulder to shoulder is easier than face to face

Sometimes you’ll see them in a pub sitting side by side; Darby and Joan, a pint and a glass in front of them, both on the same side of the table and scarcely a word uttered beyond the very occasional ‘do you want another one?’

But there’s no row here – anything but; just a lifetime’s familiarity and a contented happiness to share the silence in the midst of a noisy pub.

It mirrors life, because sometimes there’s no need for talk at all – and sometimes when there is, the best way to get there is also to sit side-by-side, shoulder-to-shoulder, both looking in the one direction.

Never face-to-face.

That’s why you have better chats in cars and on trains that you’ll often manage across the table or the hearth; easier to say things and unburden yourself when you’re both looking in the one direction.

Car journeys have been the catalyst for some of the most revealing conversations I’ve enjoyed over the years. Better still in the darkness, when it’s easier to get stuff off your chest.

It’s the same, they say, on the golf course; two people walking in step, or a couple of yards apart, talking to each other without ever looking at each other.

Some people have put this down as the secret of the success of the Men’s Shed movement – and I know there are Women’s Sheds now as well, but by and large they’re better at revealing themselves in conversation rather than having to contrive a different kind of space.

The psychologists believe this type of shoulder-to-shoulder communication is best appreciated during the course of a shared activity; making something or fixing something which reduces or removes the need for direct eye contact.

There’s also the expectation or anticipation of something more fundamental if you sit opposite each other to talk; that doesn't mean it has to be confrontational, but it is more formal – and it’s more difficult if there’s something you’d like to quietly get off your chest.