Height of a manÕs waistband allows you gauge their age

Date Published: {J}

Just as you can tell the age of a tree by the rings on its bark, it now seems you can tell the age of a man by the height of their waistband.Teenagers wear them so low they have to buy designer underwear to cover the bits that would otherwise be exposed to the elements; Simon Cowell’s trousers, on the other hand, are so high that there are times you think he might be breathing through his fly.

Now comes proof positive that this is not an accidental phenomenon – because apparently waistband altitude is officially a metaphor for life.

The department store chain Debenhams discovered that the cycle of life sees the low-slung teen fad morph into armpit huggers by the age of fifty.

Middle age may be when your age starts to show around your middle – but now it seems, this transition is marked by the inexorable rise in of waistband.

The survey deducted that the last time most men are able to fasten their trousers around anything resembling a natural waist is at the age of 39. After that, the only way is up, or down.

The way up – or the Cowell phenomenon – isn’t a route open to all of us of course because the combination of gravity and an expanding middle force those trousers downwards.

There the waistline of your trousers settles into a sort of wasteland, largely hidden and protected from the outside world by the overhang caused by three decades of dedication to pints of stout.

At the other end of the scale, long before Simon Cowell became synonymous with the high waistband, generations of oul’ fellas shortened their braces so that their pants provided an extra layer of insulation that went all the way to their chest.

This endlessly fascinating survey found that, by the age of 57, the waistband can be just seven inches under the armpit.

But those of a more ample girth head in a southerly direction, relying on a keen sense of direction to fasten belts, buttons and zips they can no longer see.

This circle of life apparently begins very early in the male; boys wear their trousers around their waist, the thinnest part of the body between the rib cage and hips, until the age of twelve, because their parents buy their clothing for them and they are invariably at least one size too big......on the basis, as we all remember, that ‘you’ll grow into them’.But waistbands plunge with the advent of teenage hormones, plummeting to five inches towards the apex of the hips, and far below the underpants position by the age of 16.

Dressing for work sees a gradual upward creep between 16 and 20 years.

By 27, the waistband starts returning to the natural waist, where it stays until sometime around the age of 36, and this conservative positioning influenced by factors such as career progression, marriage and impressing prospective in-laws.

The critical turning point is 39 and the demise of the washboard stomach – that’s on the basis you ever had one.

But when the six pack stomach falls victim to a lifetime of drinking six packs, down go the trousers – or if you’re still able to see your toes, you may make a virtue of that by pulling those trousers ever closer to your chin.

So, according to our survey, by the age of 45 trousers will be worn at least two inches above the waist, rising to an incredible five inches by the age of 57.

And then like everything else in life, gravity takes hold for good and, 65 year olds are back to waistbands just three inches above the waist, lowering to a single inch by the age of 75.

Of course what the survey doesn’t take into account is the old man’s habit of tucking the jumper inside the trousers, or the younger male’s habit of leaving the short loose over the pants.

Equally it doesn’t deal with the specific requirements of builders who must have a degree of flexibility built into trousers that unfortunately means you see more than you might have bargained on every time they bend over.

But as a rule of thumb, this valuable social study will give you the wherewithal to gauge the age of any man you meet. And that could never be a complete waist.

For more, read page 13 of this week's Connacht Tribune.