Anam Cara a club that nobody ever wants to join

Anam Cara is an exclusive club, but one that nobody would wish to belong to – it being a support group for parents who have experienced the tragic loss of a child.

No matter what the circumstances of death are, or the age of the child, or the time that has elapsed since it happened, the charity is simply there to help parents after bereavement.

Their grief is unique, says psychotherapist and professional co-facilitator, Grainne O’Connell. And, as it is very different to the suffering experienced when a parent, sibling, or friend dies, there is a need for a ‘sacred space’ just for mums and dads.

“The Law of Nature is that a child will live after you, so it’s totally unnatural for a child to die before a parent,” she says.

“So you are in unchartered territory straight away – you’re robbed of the future you planned for your child; the family unit is robbed of that person, so it is never whole again.  People get through it, and they can make a new start, but it is never as it was before.

“They are robbed of their own future, their child’s future, of weddings, communions, graduations. Even if a child dies in their 40s, it is still horrible for the parents – no matter what age they are, they have been robbed of the child’s future in their lives.”

Grainne, who works for Galway Community Counselling, says that the grief is so intense, that it can be an empathetic experience for parents to simply sit with someone who knows what their journey is about.

“The volunteers see someone coming in, and they can recognise the pain. They all have great respect for each other, it is amazing to witness. It is unspoken, the support they have for one another, the understanding.

“So few people have lost a child, it’s a club that nobody wants to belong to – nobody wants to be in that club, nobody understands what it’s like to be in that club unless they’ve lost a child.

“Grief can be very isolating, everybody grieves differently – women tend to talk and look for support, while men are more isolated, and they do the practical things, like organise the funeral. Women are left to talk to people, so even in death they take different roles.”

The length of time it takes for a parent to be able to talk about their loss also widely differs – some come to the meetings within weeks, and for others it could be years; some come every month, and others dip in and out.

Confidentiality is at the core of the Anam Cara meetings – there is no judgement, no hierarchy, and no class distinction.

“It is a support group, where people share how things helped them, rather than it being a bashing service – because some people can be very angry.

“The dynamic of each meeting is different, and comes about organically due to the those who attend and what subjects they may need to discuss.

“It could be an anniversary, or a child’s birthday, or someone might say they just had the grave done up – there is no format, and that’s what makes it so helpful for parents. They they can be themselves.

For more, read this week’s Connacht Tribune.